1 00:00:02,803 --> 00:00:05,273 all this time without a jockstrap. 2 00:00:05,306 --> 00:00:06,207 I don't like it. 3 00:00:06,240 --> 00:00:08,576 It feels like I'm flossing my butt crack. 4 00:00:08,609 --> 00:00:10,044 Based on what I'm paying your dentist, 5 00:00:10,078 --> 00:00:12,680 you know nothing about flossing. 6 00:00:12,713 --> 00:00:15,416 Think of it as a bra for your balls. 7 00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:19,087 Oh, now I want one. 8 00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:20,354 What size are you? 9 00:00:20,388 --> 00:00:22,123 How should I know? 10 00:00:22,156 --> 00:00:23,724 I think they have one of those measuring things. 11 00:00:25,226 --> 00:00:26,494 You know, like at the shoe store. 12 00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:27,428 Length, width. 13 00:00:27,461 --> 00:00:29,197 He's kidding, right? 14 00:00:29,230 --> 00:00:30,764 Yes, he's joking, 15 00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:34,568 Don't do that. 16 00:00:34,602 --> 00:00:36,437 Here, "teen." 17 00:00:36,470 --> 00:00:38,739 Think you can fit your junk into that? 18 00:00:38,772 --> 00:00:40,674 I'll make it fit. Let's just go. 19 00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:43,177 No, no, put it on over your pants. We'll take a look. 20 00:00:43,211 --> 00:00:44,845 The heck you will. 21 00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:46,480 Charlie, you're embarrassing him. 22 00:00:46,514 --> 00:00:47,648 Of course I am. 23 00:00:47,681 --> 00:00:48,782 That's why I came. 24 00:00:48,816 --> 00:00:50,651 Oh, sorry, sorry. Excuse me. 25 00:00:50,684 --> 00:00:52,120 Charlie Harper? 26 00:00:52,153 --> 00:00:55,223 Where? He owes me money. 27 00:00:55,256 --> 00:00:56,157 Miss Pasternak? 28 00:00:56,190 --> 00:00:59,627 Jake! Wow, look at you. 29 00:00:59,660 --> 00:01:00,761 Look how much you've grown. 30 00:01:00,794 --> 00:01:02,230 I reached puberty. 31 00:01:02,263 --> 00:01:05,233 Oh, right, Miss Pasternak, fifth grade, 32 00:01:05,266 --> 00:01:07,301 Woodward Avenue Elementary School. 33 00:01:07,335 --> 00:01:09,137 Oh, yeah, Miss Pasternak! 34 00:01:10,338 --> 00:01:12,173 Oh, yeah, Miss Pasternak. 35 00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:14,708 So, are you still teaching? 36 00:01:14,742 --> 00:01:15,743 No. No, I'm not. 37 00:01:15,776 --> 00:01:17,311 How are you, Charlie? 38 00:01:17,345 --> 00:01:18,812 Good, good. Nice to see you. Long time. 39 00:01:18,846 --> 00:01:20,414 You look terrific. Guess who's wearing a jock. 40 00:01:20,448 --> 00:01:22,383 Oh, how nice. 41 00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:23,851 Well, it's great to see you all. 42 00:01:23,884 --> 00:01:25,586 Good-bye. 43 00:01:25,619 --> 00:01:26,720 Bye, Miss Pasternak. 44 00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:29,223 Dodged a bullet there. 45 00:01:29,257 --> 00:01:30,758 I'll say. 46 00:01:30,791 --> 00:01:33,261 She was kind of shook up after I broke it off with her. 47 00:01:33,294 --> 00:01:34,462 Kind of shook up? 48 00:01:34,495 --> 00:01:36,430 She went bananas and bit the gym teacher. 49 00:01:36,464 --> 00:01:37,698 Where? 50 00:01:37,731 --> 00:01:39,767 In the gym. 51 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:42,170 You miserable son of a bitch! 52 00:01:42,203 --> 00:01:44,238 I gave you my heart, I gave you my soul, 53 00:01:44,272 --> 00:01:46,674 I gave you my body and you just threw me aside 54 00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:48,542 like I was some piece of garbage! 55 00:01:48,576 --> 00:01:50,778 Yeah, my bad. 56 00:01:51,645 --> 00:01:52,613 So, what's new? 57 00:01:52,646 --> 00:01:53,714 Oh, you want to catch up? 58 00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:55,349 Yeah, sure, let's catch up. 59 00:01:55,383 --> 00:01:57,785 Let's see, um, well, okay, after you dumped me, 60 00:01:57,818 --> 00:01:59,553 I had a nervous breakdown. 61 00:01:59,587 --> 00:02:02,656 Well, it sure looks like you bounced back. 62 00:02:02,690 --> 00:02:04,858 And then after my breakdown, 63 00:02:04,892 --> 00:02:07,361 I got fired and blackballed from teaching. 64 00:02:07,395 --> 00:02:09,597 Oh... bummer. 65 00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:11,265 So, what are you up to now? 66 00:02:11,299 --> 00:02:13,167 I'll tell you what I'm up to now. 67 00:02:13,201 --> 00:02:15,336 I lost my house, I'm living in a cheap motel, 68 00:02:15,369 --> 00:02:17,871 and my new career is giving lap dances to strangers 69 00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:21,275 while I'm swinging by my crotch on a pole eight times a night. 70 00:02:21,309 --> 00:02:24,745 Have you considered an athletic supporter? 71 00:02:26,414 --> 00:02:28,916 Okay, well, thanks for the update. 72 00:02:28,949 --> 00:02:30,184 Nice seeing you. 73 00:02:30,218 --> 00:02:31,385 (hushed): Move, move, move. 74 00:02:31,419 --> 00:02:32,420 You ruined my life, Charlie Harper! 75 00:02:32,453 --> 00:02:34,388 Righto. Bye. 76 00:02:34,422 --> 00:02:35,956 We didn't pay for the jockstrap. Just keep walking. 77 00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:39,593 How can you live with yourself, you horrible evil man?! 78 00:02:39,627 --> 00:02:41,195 He drinks. 79 00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:46,500 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 80 00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:49,870 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 81 00:02:49,903 --> 00:02:53,341 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 82 00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:55,443 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 83 00:02:55,476 --> 00:02:57,945 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 84 00:02:57,978 --> 00:03:00,948 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 85 00:03:00,981 --> 00:03:05,486 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 86 00:03:11,925 --> 00:03:13,494 We're making an apple and sugar mixture... 87 00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:14,728 What are you watching? 88 00:03:14,762 --> 00:03:15,629 The Food Network. 89 00:03:15,663 --> 00:03:16,830 I'm learning how 90 00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:18,466 to prepare a cinnamon-apple cobbler. 91 00:03:18,499 --> 00:03:22,503 Tired of being at the mercy of the dealers, huh? 92 00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:23,971 What? 93 00:03:24,004 --> 00:03:25,539 Nothing, nothing. 94 00:03:25,573 --> 00:03:28,376 Listen, I think I owe you an apology. 95 00:03:28,409 --> 00:03:29,610 For what? 96 00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:31,745 You know, this morning in the drugstore? 97 00:03:31,779 --> 00:03:33,581 Oh, yeah, the jockstrap jokes. 98 00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:35,349 You shou be sorry. 99 00:03:35,383 --> 00:03:37,451 No, not the jockstrap jokes. 100 00:03:37,485 --> 00:03:40,554 Those were funny. I stand by those. 101 00:03:40,588 --> 00:03:43,491 I meant the run-in with your old teacher. 102 00:03:43,524 --> 00:03:45,793 You probably shouldn't have seen that. 103 00:03:45,826 --> 00:03:47,295 I've seen worse. 104 00:03:47,328 --> 00:03:48,696 Remember the Pilates instructor who threw 105 00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:51,465 the lit road flare through your bedroom window? 106 00:03:51,499 --> 00:03:54,001 Yeah. That was awesome. 107 00:03:54,034 --> 00:03:56,337 That's one word for it. 108 00:03:56,370 --> 00:03:58,306 Oh, and remember the dental hygienist 109 00:03:58,339 --> 00:04:00,408 who shot your ass up full of Novocain? 110 00:04:00,441 --> 00:04:01,542 I do. 111 00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:02,743 That was so funny. 112 00:04:02,776 --> 00:04:05,713 You kept falling off the toilet. 113 00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:09,317 Yeah, good times. 114 00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:12,553 What do you do that gets these women so pissed off at you? 115 00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:14,822 It's hard to say exactly. 116 00:04:14,855 --> 00:04:17,057 I guess when a guy has an intimate relationship... 117 00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:18,726 Oh, remember the girl from the tanning salon 118 00:04:18,759 --> 00:04:21,061 who tried to shoot you with a bow and arrow? 119 00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:23,531 Yeah, Jake. 120 00:04:23,564 --> 00:04:27,868 My point is, I was wrong in the way I treated those women, 121 00:04:27,901 --> 00:04:29,870 and you should learn a lesson from my mistakes. 122 00:04:29,903 --> 00:04:32,673 You mean like keep a fire extinguisher by your bed? 123 00:04:32,706 --> 00:04:35,309 Sure, that's one lesson. 124 00:04:35,343 --> 00:04:36,877 And whenever a dental hygienist drops a quarter, 125 00:04:36,910 --> 00:04:38,846 never bend over to pick it up? 126 00:04:38,879 --> 00:04:40,848 Yeah, that, too. 127 00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:42,516 And never go to a Halloween party 128 00:04:42,550 --> 00:04:43,917 with a girl dressed as Robin Hood? 129 00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:46,053 The thing is, Jake, 130 00:04:46,086 --> 00:04:48,088 you wouldn't have to learn any of these lessons 131 00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:50,824 if you always treated women better in the first place. 132 00:04:50,858 --> 00:04:53,060 I'm confused. If I don't have to learn them, 133 00:04:53,093 --> 00:04:55,295 why are you bothering me with them? 134 00:05:00,568 --> 00:05:01,802 I don't know. 135 00:05:05,873 --> 00:05:10,010 I'm sorry to take up your valuable time. 136 00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:13,313 What the heck was that all about? 137 00:05:16,417 --> 00:05:18,352 * Men. * 138 00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:22,990 Hey. Guess what? 139 00:05:23,023 --> 00:05:27,795 Turns out my kid's jockstrap is too small. 140 00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:30,364 Good news, eh? 141 00:05:30,398 --> 00:05:32,666 Yeah, terrific. 142 00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:34,101 Alan, let me ask you something. 143 00:05:34,134 --> 00:05:36,804 Do you think I'm a horrible, evil person? 144 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,572 Yes. 145 00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:40,808 What? You are. 146 00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:42,443 Thanks a lot. 147 00:05:42,476 --> 00:05:44,878 Well, you know, not intentionally evil. 148 00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:46,414 I mean, you know, 149 00:05:46,447 --> 00:05:49,383 is a tornado evil when it picks up a mobile home 150 00:05:49,417 --> 00:05:50,951 and flings it into an orphanage? 151 00:05:50,984 --> 00:05:52,920 Is a shark evil 152 00:05:52,953 --> 00:05:55,923 when it eats some poor schmuck on a boogie board? 153 00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:59,159 Is a flesh-eating virus evil when it attacks...? 154 00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:00,728 I get it, I get it, I get it. 155 00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:02,463 I'm a malevolent force of nature. 156 00:06:02,496 --> 00:06:03,897 Pretty much. 157 00:06:05,733 --> 00:06:08,168 Is this about what happened with Jake's old teacher today? 158 00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:11,405 She said that I ruined her life. 159 00:06:11,439 --> 00:06:14,041 Well, she did choose to sleep with you. 160 00:06:14,074 --> 00:06:17,077 How much of a life could she have had in the first place? 161 00:06:17,110 --> 00:06:19,480 Don't try to make me feel better. 162 00:06:21,449 --> 00:06:23,617 Because of me, the woman lost her teaching career, 163 00:06:23,651 --> 00:06:26,654 and now she's dancing in this skeevy club in Van Nuys 164 00:06:26,687 --> 00:06:28,422 and living in some fleabag motel. 165 00:06:28,456 --> 00:06:30,758 How do you know what club she works at? 166 00:06:30,791 --> 00:06:33,794 The clubs have Web sites, the Web sites have pictures. 167 00:06:33,827 --> 00:06:36,530 It's not rocket science. 168 00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:40,033 Her dancing name is Desiree Bush. 169 00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:44,204 Certainly more colorful than Delores Pasternak. 170 00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:46,574 And presidential to boot. 171 00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:49,910 I gotta tell you, I'm feeling a little guilty. 172 00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:51,712 Does that surprise you? 173 00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:55,082 No, what surprises me is the liquor isn't helping. 174 00:06:55,115 --> 00:07:00,588 It just beads up on the guilt and rolls right off it. 175 00:07:00,621 --> 00:07:03,524 Oh, come on, this can't be the first woman 176 00:07:03,557 --> 00:07:04,825 who had a nervous breakdown, 177 00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:07,495 lost her job and wound up taking her clothes off 178 00:07:07,528 --> 00:07:09,530 for horny strangers because of you. 179 00:07:09,563 --> 00:07:11,765 Of course not. 180 00:07:13,867 --> 00:07:16,770 But it's never bothered me before. 181 00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:20,608 Well, maybe you're finally 182 00:07:20,641 --> 00:07:22,242 developing a conscience. 183 00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:25,479 At long last realizing that your actions have consequences 184 00:07:25,513 --> 00:07:26,847 for other people. 185 00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:30,183 Don't talk down to me, Jiminy Cricket. 186 00:07:30,217 --> 00:07:31,184 Sorry. 187 00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:33,086 But you're right. 188 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:36,223 I do need to take responsibility for the damage I've caused. 189 00:07:36,256 --> 00:07:37,758 Where you going? 190 00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:39,760 Where else? Strip club. 191 00:07:42,630 --> 00:07:44,598 Wait up. I'll drive. 192 00:07:44,632 --> 00:07:47,067 * Men. * 193 00:07:47,100 --> 00:07:49,770 ("Cherry Pie" playing) 194 00:07:52,239 --> 00:07:55,042 Good Lord, she's quite the gymnast. 195 00:07:55,075 --> 00:07:58,879 I know. I never understood why this isn't in the Olympics 196 00:07:58,912 --> 00:08:01,815 and synchronized diving is. 197 00:08:01,849 --> 00:08:05,953 Hey, honey, when's Miss Bush come out? 198 00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:08,989 Whenever Ben Franklin comes out. 199 00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:11,559 I mean Desiree Bush. 200 00:08:11,592 --> 00:08:12,960 She's around here somewhere. 201 00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:14,995 Thank you. 202 00:08:15,028 --> 00:08:17,631 How come she's not taking her clothes off? 203 00:08:17,665 --> 00:08:20,000 Because this is a bikini club. 204 00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:21,735 What's a bikini club? 205 00:08:21,769 --> 00:08:25,105 Hard liquor, no nipples. 206 00:08:25,138 --> 00:08:28,008 Man, I could've stayed home and seen no nipples. 207 00:08:32,312 --> 00:08:34,047 Hey, there she is. 208 00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:37,017 Miss Pasternak. 209 00:08:38,318 --> 00:08:41,655 What the hell are you doing here? 210 00:08:41,689 --> 00:08:43,056 I just wanted to talk to you. 211 00:08:43,090 --> 00:08:45,092 Yeah, well, I'm working, so unless you want 212 00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:46,927 a private dance, I got no time. 213 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,762 I don't need a dance. Then you get lost. 214 00:08:48,796 --> 00:08:50,297 No, no, wait, wait, wait. 215 00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:51,632 Alan needs a dance. 216 00:08:51,665 --> 00:08:52,766 Oh, no, I don't, I-I... 217 00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:54,001 I'm buying. 218 00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:56,136 Do you mind if I take my belt off? 219 00:08:56,169 --> 00:08:58,071 So anyway, I just wanted to tell you 220 00:08:58,105 --> 00:09:01,274 that I'm really sorry for the way that I ended it, 221 00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:02,743 and if there's anything I can do 222 00:09:02,776 --> 00:09:04,111 to make it right, just let me now. 223 00:09:04,144 --> 00:09:06,680 (groans deeply) 224 00:09:06,714 --> 00:09:08,882 What can you do for me, Charlie? 225 00:09:08,916 --> 00:09:11,652 Well, maybe I can help you get back on your feet. 226 00:09:11,685 --> 00:09:13,120 Oh, oh, not yet, not yet. 227 00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:16,323 Are you gonna get me my house back? 228 00:09:16,356 --> 00:09:18,125 Are you gonna do that? 229 00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:20,260 Ooh, doggies! 230 00:09:21,361 --> 00:09:24,197 Well, no. 231 00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:26,233 My parents have disowned me. 232 00:09:26,266 --> 00:09:28,636 Are you gonna fix that relationship? 233 00:09:28,669 --> 00:09:30,804 I'm not real good with parents. 234 00:09:30,838 --> 00:09:34,141 Uh, excuse me, I've gotta, I've gotta readjust. 235 00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:36,710 I'm playing ring toss with my car keys. 236 00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:41,281 What then? Are you gonna get me my teacher's license back? 237 00:09:41,314 --> 00:09:42,950 I wish I could. 238 00:09:42,983 --> 00:09:45,185 Okay, I'm all set. We can continue. 239 00:09:45,218 --> 00:09:46,353 Alan, this doesn't concern you. 240 00:09:46,386 --> 00:09:48,188 At this point, it kinda does. 241 00:09:48,221 --> 00:09:51,058 Come on, hop on Pop. 242 00:09:53,761 --> 00:09:55,663 Thank you! 243 00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:58,699 What if there was a way for you to go back to teaching 244 00:09:58,732 --> 00:09:59,900 that didn't require a license? 245 00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:01,635 What are you talking about? 246 00:10:01,669 --> 00:10:03,904 Private tutoring for a special-needs child. 247 00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:05,272 Oh, oh, Charlie, don't drag him into this. 248 00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:07,107 Why not? 249 00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:09,176 She's a good teacher, and if his grades go any lower, 250 00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:12,112 we'll have to start renting him out as a speed bump. 251 00:10:12,145 --> 00:10:13,413 Tutoring? 252 00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,315 Yeah, I don't know. 253 00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:17,317 I'll match what you're making here. 254 00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:20,954 Is it okay with you, Alan? 255 00:10:20,988 --> 00:10:22,389 Oh, yes, yes, yes! 256 00:10:25,759 --> 00:10:28,328 Okay, it's a deal. 257 00:10:28,361 --> 00:10:30,063 Oh, thank you, thank you. 258 00:10:30,097 --> 00:10:31,832 Now come on, teach. 259 00:10:31,865 --> 00:10:33,967 I'll buy you a drink and we'll toast your new career. 260 00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:35,402 (laughs): Great. 261 00:10:35,435 --> 00:10:37,971 Uh, uh... O-O-Okay. 262 00:10:38,005 --> 00:10:42,743 I'll, uh, I'll catch up with you guys later. 263 00:10:42,776 --> 00:10:44,712 Where's my belt? 264 00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:50,117 * Men. * 265 00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:51,985 Let me get this straight. 266 00:10:52,019 --> 00:10:53,987 She was his fifth grade teacher, 267 00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:56,924 and then she became a stripper because you dumped her, 268 00:10:56,957 --> 00:10:59,693 and now she's his tutor because you felt guilty? 269 00:10:59,727 --> 00:11:00,928 Pretty much. 270 00:11:00,961 --> 00:11:02,930 And you approved? 271 00:11:02,963 --> 00:11:05,398 He caught me at a weak moment. 272 00:11:05,432 --> 00:11:07,901 Well, who am I to judge? 273 00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:12,906 I almost traded one of my kids for a riding lawn mower. 274 00:11:12,940 --> 00:11:15,375 I'm sorry, but I'm still confused. 275 00:11:15,408 --> 00:11:17,244 Oh, boy. 276 00:11:17,277 --> 00:11:20,313 Hm. Okay, um... 277 00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:22,049 let's look at it this way. 278 00:11:22,082 --> 00:11:24,017 How about if you make $40 a dance. 279 00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:27,087 If you want to find out how much you can earn per hour, 280 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:29,289 you have to solve fortimes 40, 281 00:11:29,322 --> 00:11:32,125 X being the number of dances you can do in an hour. 282 00:11:32,159 --> 00:11:33,326 What about tips? 283 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:34,862 That's a variable. 284 00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:36,463 Oh. I get it-- so the money 285 00:11:36,496 --> 00:11:38,265 you kick back to the house is... 286 00:11:38,298 --> 00:11:40,934 The constant! The constant! 287 00:11:40,968 --> 00:11:41,969 Good for you. 288 00:11:42,002 --> 00:11:44,004 That's a good start. 289 00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,505 Yeah, it was. You make learning fun. 290 00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:47,140 (laughs): Where you going? 291 00:11:47,174 --> 00:11:48,408 Take a shower. 292 00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:54,381 Guys, we're done! 293 00:11:56,283 --> 00:11:58,251 Hey. So, how'd it go? 294 00:11:58,285 --> 00:12:00,120 Oh, a little slow. 295 00:12:00,153 --> 00:12:02,823 He's not exactly the quicker picker upper. 296 00:12:02,856 --> 00:12:04,357 Well, that's why he needs you. 297 00:12:04,391 --> 00:12:05,926 He's kind of an idiot. 298 00:12:05,959 --> 00:12:07,227 Yeah, uh, 299 00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:09,462 I wasn't gonna say anything, but wow. 300 00:12:11,899 --> 00:12:13,200 So, we'll see you tomorrow, then? 301 00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,135 Great. Hey... 302 00:12:15,168 --> 00:12:16,904 Charlie, thank you. 303 00:12:16,937 --> 00:12:18,105 For what? 304 00:12:18,138 --> 00:12:20,273 Well, you've given me back 305 00:12:20,307 --> 00:12:22,409 something I lost a long time ago. 306 00:12:22,442 --> 00:12:25,145 I gave it back? 307 00:12:25,178 --> 00:12:27,147 How did I give it back? 308 00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:29,082 My self-respect. 309 00:12:29,116 --> 00:12:32,552 Oh, sure, that you can get back. 310 00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:36,056 And you haven't even tried to hit on me. 311 00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:37,825 No. And I don't intend to. 312 00:12:37,858 --> 00:12:40,360 I just want to see you get your life together again. 313 00:12:40,393 --> 00:12:42,863 Boy, I've hated you for so many years. 314 00:12:42,896 --> 00:12:45,365 I'm starting to think maybe I was wrong. 315 00:12:45,398 --> 00:12:48,001 No, no, no, you're were right-- this is new for me. 316 00:12:48,035 --> 00:12:50,237 Well, I like this Charlie. 317 00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:52,205 He's got a big heart. 318 00:12:52,239 --> 00:12:53,173 Thank you. 319 00:12:57,010 --> 00:12:58,278 Desiree, wait. 320 00:12:58,311 --> 00:12:59,880 Instead of going back to that motel, 321 00:12:59,913 --> 00:13:01,314 why don't you stay here? 322 00:13:01,348 --> 00:13:04,084 No strings-- just until you can get a real apartment. 323 00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:05,552 Where would I sleep? 324 00:13:05,585 --> 00:13:06,820 You can have the guest room. 325 00:13:06,854 --> 00:13:08,488 Well, where would Alan sleep? 326 00:13:08,521 --> 00:13:12,459 If there was any justice, at the bottom of a ravine. 327 00:13:14,895 --> 00:13:16,596 * Men. * 328 00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:19,032 I can't believe you gave her my room. 329 00:13:19,066 --> 00:13:22,936 I can't believe you're still calling it your room. 330 00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:25,238 How long is this gonna last? 331 00:13:25,272 --> 00:13:27,240 Just until she gets back on her feet. 332 00:13:27,274 --> 00:13:28,876 Oh, please, that's a load of crap. 333 00:13:28,909 --> 00:13:30,377 That's what I said to you six years ago. 334 00:13:32,479 --> 00:13:34,547 You've been here six years? 335 00:13:34,581 --> 00:13:36,950 I'll just go make up the couch. 336 00:13:41,454 --> 00:13:43,623 (quietly): Story of my life. 337 00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:46,093 No boner goes unpunished. 338 00:13:47,961 --> 00:13:50,263 * Men. * 339 00:13:51,364 --> 00:13:52,933 (door opens) 340 00:13:57,905 --> 00:13:59,306 Charlie. 341 00:14:00,407 --> 00:14:02,342 Huh? 342 00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:05,979 I was lying in bed alone, and I had an epiphany. 343 00:14:08,248 --> 00:14:10,350 Okay. 344 00:14:10,383 --> 00:14:15,055 It suddenly became clear to me why you came back into my life. 345 00:14:15,088 --> 00:14:16,256 Why? 346 00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:19,927 The Lord sent you. 347 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,394 The Lord? 348 00:14:21,428 --> 00:14:26,099 Yes. He sent you to save me from my sinful ways. 349 00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:27,567 He did? Yes. 350 00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:31,438 I really don't think he'd send me. 351 00:14:31,471 --> 00:14:34,174 I'm more of a recruiter for the other side. 352 00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:36,910 It's not for us to question his will. 353 00:14:36,944 --> 00:14:38,411 Come, come, let's pray together. 354 00:14:38,445 --> 00:14:40,981 Now? Yes, now, while the spirit is with us. 355 00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:42,482 Can I pee first? 356 00:14:42,515 --> 00:14:45,385 There'll be plenty of time to pee in Heaven. 357 00:14:45,418 --> 00:14:47,454 There's peeing in Heaven? 358 00:14:47,487 --> 00:14:49,022 Shh! 359 00:14:52,425 --> 00:14:56,196 Weird, us both being on our knees at the same time, huh? 360 00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:58,131 Shh! 361 00:14:58,165 --> 00:15:00,133 I'm just saying. 362 00:15:01,468 --> 00:15:03,403 * Men. * 363 00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:05,939 Morning. 364 00:15:05,973 --> 00:15:07,240 Morning. Morning. 365 00:15:07,274 --> 00:15:08,976 Morning. How'd everybody sleep? 366 00:15:09,009 --> 00:15:10,043 Fine. Fine. 367 00:15:10,077 --> 00:15:12,179 Lousy. 368 00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:14,214 So, listen... 369 00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:17,050 we might have a little problem with Miss Pasternak. 370 00:15:17,084 --> 00:15:18,618 Oh, Charlie, you didn't. 371 00:15:18,651 --> 00:15:21,554 No, I didn't. Why do you always believe the worst of me? 372 00:15:21,588 --> 00:15:23,590 Because you're a horrible, evil person. 373 00:15:23,623 --> 00:15:26,226 I thought we established that. 374 00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:28,261 I'll tell you what happened. 375 00:15:28,295 --> 00:15:30,363 Last night, I was upstairs, sleeping alone, 376 00:15:30,397 --> 00:15:31,564 minding my own business... 377 00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:34,067 Good morning, sinners. 378 00:15:36,336 --> 00:15:38,005 Oh, what a glorious day 379 00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:40,273 to bask in the forgiveness of our Lord. 380 00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:44,211 Uh-oh. 381 00:15:45,312 --> 00:15:49,082 Jake, I have wonderful news. 382 00:15:49,116 --> 00:15:50,750 From now on, as part of each lesson, 383 00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:53,086 we're gonna spend time casting demons out of you. 384 00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:55,155 It's the Devil that's making him stupid. 385 00:15:57,790 --> 00:16:00,460 I told you it wasn't my fault. 386 00:16:00,493 --> 00:16:03,296 Uh, uh, Miss Pasternak, while I'm thrilled 387 00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:05,298 that you're helping Jake with his schoolwork, 388 00:16:05,332 --> 00:16:07,667 I'm not sure an exorcism is really called for. 389 00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:10,437 Do you want your son to go to hell, Alan? 390 00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:12,339 Depends. 391 00:16:12,372 --> 00:16:15,375 Do they have a college prep program? 392 00:16:15,408 --> 00:16:18,411 Eternal damnation is no laughing matter. 393 00:16:18,445 --> 00:16:20,580 I know-- I've been married twice. 394 00:16:20,613 --> 00:16:22,549 (laughs) 395 00:16:24,751 --> 00:16:27,587 You think you have to wear a jockstrap in hell? 396 00:16:27,620 --> 00:16:30,057 Yes, but not your own. 397 00:16:30,090 --> 00:16:31,791 Anyway, 398 00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:33,560 I just came down to tell you all 399 00:16:33,593 --> 00:16:35,095 it's time to get dressed for church. 400 00:16:35,128 --> 00:16:37,130 Uh, uh, gee, 401 00:16:37,164 --> 00:16:38,631 uh, thanks for the invite, 402 00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:41,101 but, uh, Sunday is kind of our "me" day. 403 00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:44,471 Sunday's not a "me" day, it's a "he" day. 404 00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:48,075 And he will strike down the blasphemers and the disbelievers 405 00:16:48,108 --> 00:16:50,677 with fury and blood-soaked vengeance! 406 00:16:52,712 --> 00:16:56,416 So, chop-chop, washy-washy. 407 00:16:58,818 --> 00:17:02,422 I've said it before, and I'll say it again: 408 00:17:02,455 --> 00:17:04,691 Boy, can I pick 'em. 409 00:17:04,724 --> 00:17:07,594 * Men. * 410 00:17:07,627 --> 00:17:09,596 CONGREGATION: * Bringing in the sheaves 411 00:17:09,629 --> 00:17:11,831 * Bringing in the sheaves * 412 00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:14,834 * We shall come rejoicing 413 00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:17,304 * Bringing in the sheaves 414 00:17:17,337 --> 00:17:20,507 * Bringing in the sheaves, bringing in... * 415 00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,275 Dad? What? 416 00:17:22,309 --> 00:17:24,077 I promise I'll work really hard in school 417 00:17:24,111 --> 00:17:25,712 if you can just get rid of her. 418 00:17:25,745 --> 00:17:28,148 A little religion isn't gonna kill you. 419 00:17:28,181 --> 00:17:29,616 Oh, really? 420 00:17:29,649 --> 00:17:32,252 What's your definition of "blood-soaked vengeance"? 421 00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:36,656 * Bringing in the sheaves 422 00:17:36,689 --> 00:17:41,294 * Bringing in the sheaves, bringing in the sheaves * 423 00:17:41,328 --> 00:17:42,695 * We shall come rejoicing 424 00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:44,531 Why you looking at me like that? 425 00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:48,201 I just don't want to miss it when you burst into flames. 426 00:17:48,235 --> 00:17:50,337 * Bringing in the sheaves 427 00:17:50,370 --> 00:17:52,872 * We shall come rejoicing... 428 00:17:52,905 --> 00:17:55,808 Isn't this a beautiful little church, Charlie? 429 00:17:55,842 --> 00:17:58,111 Oh, yeah, it's great. 430 00:17:58,145 --> 00:18:00,113 Listen, I thought maybe after the service, 431 00:18:00,147 --> 00:18:01,214 you and I could drive around 432 00:18:01,248 --> 00:18:03,850 and look for a nice apartment for you. 433 00:18:03,883 --> 00:18:06,519 Oh, God doesn't want us to separate, Charlie. 434 00:18:06,553 --> 00:18:08,221 He brought you back into my life 435 00:18:08,255 --> 00:18:10,157 so that we could be together for all eternity. 436 00:18:13,293 --> 00:18:16,729 Um, are those his words or yours? 437 00:18:16,763 --> 00:18:19,332 He speaks through me. 438 00:18:19,366 --> 00:18:21,201 Oh, okay. 439 00:18:21,234 --> 00:18:24,837 Um, to whom am I talking now? 440 00:18:24,871 --> 00:18:27,307 (music ends) 441 00:18:27,340 --> 00:18:28,641 Oh, oh. 442 00:18:28,675 --> 00:18:30,277 It's time for the special blessing. 443 00:18:30,310 --> 00:18:31,444 Come on, everyone, let's go. 444 00:18:31,478 --> 00:18:32,779 Right behind you. 445 00:18:32,812 --> 00:18:33,813 (organ playing) 446 00:18:33,846 --> 00:18:35,215 Come on, come on, come on. 447 00:18:35,248 --> 00:18:36,416 Blessing time, blessing time. 448 00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:37,417 Come on. 449 00:18:39,319 --> 00:18:40,520 Is this the kind of church 450 00:18:40,553 --> 00:18:41,788 where they hand out those little crackers? 451 00:18:41,821 --> 00:18:42,755 Shh! I'm hungry. 452 00:19:00,773 --> 00:19:02,209 Relax. 453 00:19:02,242 --> 00:19:03,476 It's just us. 454 00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:05,745 Oh. 455 00:19:05,778 --> 00:19:07,447 Why is your hair all wet? 456 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,282 They tried to drown me. 457 00:19:09,316 --> 00:19:11,584 No, they didn't. 458 00:19:11,618 --> 00:19:13,420 He managed to get himself baptized. 459 00:19:13,453 --> 00:19:14,621 How'd that happen? 460 00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:15,655 People were lining up. 461 00:19:15,688 --> 00:19:17,624 I thought there was food. 462 00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:19,192 Even after they took your clothes 463 00:19:19,226 --> 00:19:20,693 and gave you a white robe? 464 00:19:20,727 --> 00:19:23,296 I figured maybe we were getting ribs. 465 00:19:25,365 --> 00:19:26,799 So where's Berta? 466 00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:28,835 She took a shine to the organ player 467 00:19:28,868 --> 00:19:30,837 and stayed for the senior potluck brunch. 468 00:19:30,870 --> 00:19:33,873 So there was food. 469 00:19:33,906 --> 00:19:35,742 I knew I wasn't crazy. 470 00:19:37,344 --> 00:19:38,845 Aren't you at all concerned about 471 00:19:38,878 --> 00:19:39,812 what happened to Miss Pasternak? 472 00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:41,748 Of course I'm concerned. 473 00:19:41,781 --> 00:19:43,750 I tried to hide, didn't I? 474 00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:46,953 After she realized 475 00:19:46,986 --> 00:19:48,521 that you had dumped her yet again, 476 00:19:48,555 --> 00:19:49,889 she had a little bit of a meltdown. 477 00:19:49,922 --> 00:19:52,592 There was more to melt? 478 00:19:52,625 --> 00:19:55,762 She was dripping through the cone when she left the house. 479 00:19:55,795 --> 00:19:58,998 She grabbed all the bills out of the collection plate 480 00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:00,867 and started grinding on the minister. 481 00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:02,935 Okay. No harm, no foul. 482 00:20:02,969 --> 00:20:04,804 How do you figure? 483 00:20:04,837 --> 00:20:06,806 That's how we found her, right? 484 00:20:06,839 --> 00:20:08,941 Dry-humping for dollars. 485 00:20:08,975 --> 00:20:13,246 What happened to all your guilt about ruining her life? 486 00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,515 Oh, I still got it. 487 00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:17,517 I'm just learning to live with it. 488 00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:19,552 You're unbelievable. 489 00:20:19,586 --> 00:20:20,987 Oh, come on. 490 00:20:21,020 --> 00:20:22,655 I tried to do the right thing. 491 00:20:22,689 --> 00:20:23,956 My intentions were good. 492 00:20:23,990 --> 00:20:26,359 That's the funny thing about you. 493 00:20:26,393 --> 00:20:29,262 Doesn't seem to matter what your intentions are. 494 00:20:29,296 --> 00:20:30,897 Good, bad or indifferent, 495 00:20:30,930 --> 00:20:33,800 everyone around you ends up suffering. 496 00:20:33,833 --> 00:20:37,437 So it's not my fault, right? 497 00:20:39,539 --> 00:20:40,940 Right. 498 00:20:40,973 --> 00:20:42,475 Come on, I'll buy you a drink. 499 00:20:42,509 --> 00:20:43,776 I'm really not in the mood. 500 00:20:43,810 --> 00:20:45,778 Oh, relax. 501 00:20:45,812 --> 00:20:47,447 It's all over. 502 00:20:47,480 --> 00:21:00,493 Nothing to worry about.